3 (probably) false assumptions about human nature you should pretend are true

“Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.” -Ralph Sockman

I am neither a gentle person, nor a strong person. Yet it seems to me that these are two qualities essential for a relatively frictionless life. In the past two years, three assumptions have become my “operating principles for life” (Hat-tip: HGSLI, Tim McCarthy and some treasured friends for helping me figure these out). Honestly, I have no idea if these assumptions are true. I suspect that they are not. Except #3 - that's definitely true. But "acting as if" - pretending that they are true - will make your own life infinitely calmer, more pleasant and peaceful.

Hypothesis 1: Everyone is doing the very best they can

You never really know what is going on with anyone else. So just assume they're doing the very best they can at that exact moment. You might be their first priority or their last and there is a good reason for both.

I'm not arguing for being a pushover, or for ignoring incompetence or negligence. I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t call someone out for being rude to you, or point out where work can, should or must be done better. I’m definitely not suggesting that you shouldn’t ask for more if you aren’t getting what you need. 

Instead, I’m suggesting that we start with the assumption that every act represents someone’s best effort in the circumstances. If their best isn’t good enough, then we should ask “what is going on for them that makes that so?” instead of assuming that they are simply not trying hard enough. 

Hypothesis refutation: Enron suggests that the above belief is definitely not true. So, if you’re a corporate auditor, you might want to find a less-generous operating principle.

Hypothesis 2: Everyone is well-intentioned

People aren't out to get you. Lives, relationships or bantering with the barista aren’t zero-sum. All of us gain from positive interactions, however tiny, with one another. People want to help one another, and most of the time they are trying to do that, however misguided or ham-fisted their efforts feel to you.

Editors of Wikipedia talk about this as AGF (Assume good faith) principle:

Most people try to help the project, not hurt it...Assuming good faith does not prohibit discussion and criticism...Rather, [people] should not attribute the actions being criticized to malice unless there is specific evidence of malice....Consider whether a dispute stems from different perspectives, and look for ways to reach consensus.

Contract lawyers have a similar principle, referred to as the implied covenant of good faith and fair dealing. Harvard Kennedy School students employ a phrase “building on xyz [whatever the previous speaker said]”. While I find it an infuriatingly indirect and frustrating mode of communicating, it represents an acknowledgement that everyone should try to keep the discussion going. Sometimes, in order to do that, we have to buy into the premise that everyone else wants the conversation to keep going too.

The reason I buy into Hypothesis 2 is that most of the time, in my clumsy, awkward, hopelessly chaotic way, I am trying to help. I know that I wake up intending to good that day. I know that when I feel regret, it is for having hurt someone when I could have helped them. I know that when someone is in pain, I want to know how to make it better, not worse. And I know I’m not exceptional, so the same must be true for others.

Hypothesis 3: Everyone is really weird (except you)

Seriously, everyone else is a massive, massive weirdo. Not just in an eats-cream-cheese-and-peanut-butter-sandwiches way, but deeply, fundamentally, essentially strange. The sooner you accept this, the faster you can move on to liking them. Beyond the weirdness, there is something endearingly, adorably lovable about everyone.

“If you don't like someone, the way he holds his spoon will make you furious; if you do like him, he can turn his plate over in your lap and you won't mind." - Irving Becker

Stop spending time trying to figure out why people are weird, and just embrace it. You'll find that the weirdest people are the most rewarding. Or, they're Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. But hey, it's all a gamble.